The School for Good Mothers (by Jessamine Chan)

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

Publication date: 4 January 2022 

I'll be honest, this was not the book that I was expecting, but it was the one that I have been wanting for a long time.  I genuinely really loved this book. 

Chan has this really amazing way to tell Frida's story in a way that made me miss her after I had finished the book... and it's not super often that I miss characters after I'm done with their story.  Frida is a complex character with many layers, but she is very concrete in what she wants - her daughter.  As anyone would in her situation, Frida struggles.  She's angry, she's confused, and she's receiving a punishment that does not match her mistake - it's horrifying.  I felt Frida's sorrows and joy, her fear and her love, her anger and her loneliness.

Chan's voice, her world-building, and the way that we were able to enter Frida's world in such a deep and intense way is done so masterfully.  Frida's reality, memories, and thoughts are all written carefully and purposefully.

I was reminded of The Handmaid's Tale in so many ways while I read this book.  The calmness of Chan's writing was almost eerie - such a horrific thing to go through, yet the style of writing almost "normalized" this world, which makes it even more shocking.  The School was so similar to The Rachel and Leah Centre from The Handmaid's Tale, and the experiences there - the training, the degradation, the control, the watching - this is really an excellent dystopia novel.  There isn't a ton of action in this book, but there's so much character development.  You will experience Frida's new reality with her.

One of my favourite things about this book was that Chan wrote cultural and racial/ethnic identities into her characters so seamlessly and naturally.  She made it so that the entire character's identity and race are as important as any other detail about their physical appearance - this is so refreshing, appreciated, and it makes me want to tell the author how much she rocks for this.  She doesn't make any assumptions about her readers' racial identities and this is pretty powerful.

I loved this book so much that I bought a paperback copy so that I can have the physical book on my bookshelf.  I can't wait to read it again.

Thank you so much to NetGalley and Simon and Schuster for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.

Faces to the Sun (edited by SJ Blasko)

Have you ever read something that really spoke to you?  You know those kinds of reads, you're enjoying the words that are strung together, you feel emotion towards them and you enjoy the way that those words you make you feel?  This book goes beyond that enjoyment feeling.  The feeling that I got from this book was the feeling of being heard. 

 A lot of people underestimate the importance of being heard, being seen, being represented.  When you're surrounded by characters in literature who are able to deal with what life throws at them, it starts to make you feel like you're the one who isn't strong enough and maybe you're missing something that even fictional characters have.  I mean, Katniss experienced some pretty severe PTSD from being in The Hunger Games, but she survived and was able to garner enough support to lead an entire rebellion that dismantled the entire power structures of Panem.  We're not all as strong as Katniss and we don't all have people to surround us and support us like she had.  Some of us are alone, and even if we aren't, many of us feel like we are alone.

This read left me feeling breathless. It's so achingly accurate. I needed several minutes after some of these entries before I was able to keep going. These poems are deeply powerful and I resonated with several of them. You know how it feels when you are reading something and you suddenly realize you're reading yourself on a page? This book is that.  My grief and my sadness have been this constant cloud that lingers over me and follows me throughout my day, like something that is confining me and no matter how hard I try, I can't break free of it - and believe me, I try.

The poems and a couple of short stories are all centred around adversity and resilience, and everything in between. They are about identity, acceptance, mental health, anxiety and depression, grief, loss, and individuality.  They made me feel less alone, something that is worth more than I can tell you.

I felt very touched by "Bouquet" by Beka Gremikova.  It made me tear up a little.  The first few lines really struck me:

 "The flowers from your mom's funeral still hang upside down from the basement ceiling, dangling over the sink.  You left them there to dry so you could press them between pages, create bookmarks out of the worst day of your life." 

I have included a photo that I took a week ago - the flowers that I hung to dry and what remains of those that dried and lost their petals from the bouquet that my best friends from work sent to me weeks ago after I lost my third pregnancy.  The dried petals on my iPad?  From the yellow lilies in that bouquet.  Same with those green leaves.

Sometimes when we find ourselves reflected in someone else's writing, it can help our own healing.  Thank you, Beka.

I will be buying a copy of this book to put in my classroom for my students. We will be reading some of these poems this year. I know they will relate to them. I'm also going to check out the first anthology, There Is Us. I liked this so much, I may even buy a copy of this book so I can enjoy it on paper.

Huge thanks to the author and Voracious Readers Only for gifting me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review

shy anger: a poetry collection in three parts (by Kelsey Ray Banerjee)

I am coming back from being AWOL.

Life gets in the way sometimes.  Sometimes life stomps on you.  Sometimes it kicks you when you are already down.

I used to say, "Third time's the charm."  I believed it.  Of course, little sayings are just that - sayings.  It is something that you say but that doesn't make it true.  

Three pregnancies.  Three losses.  There is no charm in this.  

Every journey towards healing is a personal one.  I am trying to find mine and I have decided to seek out reading and writing as one way to put the pieces of me back together.  I am trying to find my voice.  My first reviews were long and followed a "reader response" format that I teach to my students in English class.  Today I am keeping it short.  I am just playing with voice as I try to find mine again.

_____________________________________________________

This little collection of poems was a welcoming read when coming up for a breath of air.  I don't usually gravitate to poetry but I had been intrigued by its description.

Some of these poems made me feel like they were written just for me, tapping into my heart, my grief, my anger, my quest for meaning and peace.  

My favourites: "a decade of protests", "karen mindset", "the story", she dreams of mountains", "exhaustion", "shy anger", and "locked out."

These poems are about different aspects of life that we might not give much thought to, but Banerjee puts them under a microscope and infuses them with emotion.

I would like to thank the author and BookSirens for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.

 4/5 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐

3/5 hearts 💚💚💚

Maternal Instinct (by Rebecca Bowyer)

When we went on lockdown (almost one year ago...), I signed up with Voracious Readers Only.  I really enjoy getting the emails every day about new and different books.  When I first signed up there were sooooo many books that sounded so interesting!  When this one, Maternal Instinct, popped up in my email, I knew I wanted to read it.

I stated in an earlier post that part of the reason why I took such a long break from doing any reviews was because I had two pregnancy losses.  When I got an email from VRO with this book, I hadn't gotten pregnant yet.  I was terrified - I live with endometriosis and for the last 17 years I have not known if I would be able to get pregnant.  

The day after I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive), I started to read this book.  While I read it, I would put my hand over my belly where my baby was growing.  This book made a much bigger impact on me because of its topic and because I could so personally connect with it.

I miscarried four weeks later.

 ____________________________________________________________

 Maternal Instinct (by Rebecca Bowyer)

Published by Story Addict (2019).

Intended audience: young adult or adult (this is based on my opinion as a secondary teacher).  This book uses accessible language.

https://www.storyaddict.com.au/ 

https://www.goodreads.com/rebecca_bowyer

I received a complimentary copy of the book from the author via Voracious Readers Only.

 

SUMMARY

The story takes place in a future Australia under a new political regime that is, in its own twisted way, striving to create a type of "equal" society.  This is a feminist dystopia that centres around themes of motherhood, reproductive rights, and personal choice versus societal expectations.  All young women are expected and forced to carry two pregnancies over three years under the National Procreation Service.

In this society, their Mater and Pater system is superior to "how things used to be".  It's supposed to be better than the time when women were expected to cook, clean, work outside of the home, and raise children.  It's supposed to be better than when children were ignored, beaten, or killed in their own homes by their own parents.  It's a society that exercises complete control over a woman's right to have reproductive choice and agency over her body, and has normalized this control by highlighting how society has benefited because of this control.

The story follows Alice and her biological daughter, Monica, who has just given birth to her first son, Oscar.  As the story progresses, you witness the characters as they begin to question and resist society's rules and expectations, and as they begin to grow as individuals that are faced with huge challenges that conflict with society.  Finally, you listen to the characters as they come to terms with what it means to be a mother, what their definition is of being a mother, and how their relationship with motherhood transforms.

TEXT-TO-TEXT CONNECTION

Voracious Readers Only compared this book to The Handmaid's Tale, Vox, 1984, and Brave New World.  

The Handmaid's Tale is pretty much my absolute most favourite book, with The Testaments being a close second - however, I know that there are other books that I really love as well.  I have started Vox but haven't finished it yet.  I read 1984 and Brave New World about 15 years ago and while I remember the big ideas, I don't remember the details.

Yes, this book definitely has some links to The Handmaid's Tale - both books pivot around reproductive rights being taken away from women in society, become institutionalized and normalized, and then are a huge major stepping stone in maintaining that "successful" and "equal" or "balanced" society.  Really, women's bodies are being controlled and commodified.

Vox... while I haven't finished it, I can speak (ha... if you've read the book or know the premise of it, you might get the humour of what I just typed) to the link made with this book.  Vox is about a society where women are not allowed to speak more than 100 words per day and they wear a bracelet that counts their words.  If you speak more words, you get zapped.  The more you speak, the bigger the zap.

The links to 1984 and Brave New World, well... those are amongst the absolute classics and pillars of the dystopian genre.  I think that link is relatively self explanatory.  

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think this was a really well crafted story.  It's very clear that Bowyer really considered the world that she wanted to bring you into - her world-building was very well done.  I really enjoyed the story line, I loved the conflicts, I loved the character transformations, and I loved the twists that made the story even more complicated.  Her characters became three-dimensional and interesting and realistic because of the conflict that she threw their way.  I really enjoyed getting to know them.  I honestly would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in this topic, especially if they enjoyed The Handmaid's Tale and are looking for something else in this genre.  

As a teacher... I think it would be great book to bring into the classroom.  I think that it would really alert young adults to injustices and it would allow for some magical class discussions and personal transformations.  Additionally, I think this book would open the door for discussing fundamental rights, especially reproductive rights.

RATING

Here is where I get frustrated.  As I said above, I really enjoyed the book.  But I hated the ending.  I hated it.  It's probably the most realistic ending, but honestly, after I closed my Kobo upon finishing, I was just mad.  I didn't feel like it fit with the character.  I don't know how else I would have changed the ending, but it just didn't feel like this ending fit with the rest of the book.  For that very reason, I had to knock off one star from 4 stars to 3 stars.  (Why not five stars?  Because again, a 5-star for me is exceptional and I am left wanting more.

3/5 stars 🌟🌟🌟

4/5 hearts  💛💛💛💛

22 Scars (by C.M. North)

A goal of mine is to write more succinctly.  Ok.  So.  Here's where I take my first stab at it.

 

I heard about this book from Voracious Readers Only and was immediately drawn to it - the cover, the description, and even the books that were suggested as similar peaked my interest.  Oddly, I hadn't even read the books that were suggested as similar, however, as a high school teacher, I have an interest in mental health issues, particularly when talking about teenagers.

22 Scars by C.M. North (2017)

Published by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Intended audience: mature young adult or adult readers

https://cmnorthauthor.com/ 

C.M. North's GoodReads Page

This review is providing a trigger warning in response to the content of this book, which deals with self-harming behaviours, forms of abuse and assault, and suicide.

I received a complimentary copy of the book from the author via Voracious Readers Only.

SUMMARY

This book follows multiple characters and the relationships between them.  The main character, Amy, is a young teenage girl who is struggling with mental health issues and participates in self-harming behaviours.  Additionally, the book also follows some other unnamed characters and their journey together, known only by their pronouns. 

THOUGHTS & REVIEW

North's use of language is really beautiful.  It's not the most lyrical piece of literature I've ever read, but honestly, I was really impressed and drawn into the writing.  His use of descriptive language and relatively short but powerfully punctuated sentences make this book one that grabs you and immerses you.

The relationship between Amy and her father made me uncomfortable and I'm pretty sure that this was intentional.  Without those feelings of anger towards Amy's father, those feelings of intense frustration and anger and sickness make you feel for the characters - all of this going to show what a wonderful writer North is because he is able to bring that emotion out in you.  His characters aren't two-dimensional - they're real, they're tangible, and they're right there in front of you.

The book alternates between following two different stories.  Just as I was getting really into one of the stories, it would switch to follow another set of characters.  Each time, I learned more and more about the characters and kept wondering why they were being placed together side by side.  It made for an interesting and engaging read.  I looked for parallels and tried to find clues as to why North would place them together like this.

 
TEXT-TO-TEXT CONNECTION 

Voracious Readers Only suggested similar stories to this as 13 Reasons Why, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, All The Bright Places, and Girl, Interrupted.

Before I read 22 Scars, I read 13 Reasons Why because as a high school teacher, yes, I heard about the book after the Netflix series was released.  I read that 13 Reasons Why was being banned and forbidden to speak about in many high schools.  I read some reviews that said that it glorified suicide.  In my opinion?  Yes, it does.  (As a side note, I got increasingly disgusted with each subsequent season and then finally gave up after the first or second episode of the fourth season).

22 Scars is absolutely nothing like 13 Reasons Why, and in fact, that is insulting to 22 Scars.  While I did appreciate the voices in 13 Reasons Why, the only similarity between these two stories is the idea of mental health issues.  But 22 Scars goes so much deeper than 13 Reasons Why, which is more of a mysterious drama with little substance.  22 Scars makes you feel the characters' emotions.  There is a stark difference between these novels.

As for the other novels... well, I've seen the movie, Girl, Interrupted (pretty great acting done by Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie) and I have The Perks of Being a Wallflower on my bookshelf as part of my TBR pile.

FINAL THOUGHTS

You should buy this book.  Seriously, buy it, support the author, read it, and enjoy his beautiful writing.  This may be an uncomfortable read, and you may not like it because it's not a fun or easy or happy story, but it is the reality of so many people.  While you may have the option to not have to deal with something that makes you sad like this, know that not everyone has that same choice.  

We read to expand our horizons.  We read to learn.  We read to meet new characters, to interact with them, to learn from them, to go on a journey with them, and to see their perspective of their life's journey.  Well... that's why I read.  If that's why you read, you should get this book.

TEACHER THOUGHTS 

It would really depend on the age and group of my students, but I would not be against bringing this book into the classroom.  There is a lot here that you could definitely use in the classroom.  Some people would definitely say that this book wouldn't be appropriate for young adults, and it might not be, but it also is the reality of some students.  If it's inappropriate for them to read it, then it should be inappropriate for them to live it.  And if it is inappropriate for them to live it, then shouldn't you learn more about it so that you can help to get kids out of situations like that?

If you are a teacher, then you really should read this book.  Like, right now.

RATING

I really enjoyed this book, but it didn't have any extra wow for me, which knocks off one star.

I give it as many hearts as I can because North clearly put his heart into this story - it shows, and it definitely touched my heart.

4/5 stars  🌟🌟🌟🌟

5/5 hearts  💛💛💛💛💛

Extra ratings:

2 tears for sadness 💧💧

1 rainbow for hope 🌈   

 

The Miscarriage Map (Dr. Sunita Osborn)

Why Did I Read This Book?

I read this book because (as I stated in my previous post) I lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage at 8 weeks.  I read this book last summer, but am feeling ready to review it now.

If you are reading this book because you are or have also gone through a pregnancy loss, I am so sorry.  You didn't do anything to make this happen, it is not your fault, and you do not deserve this loss and this pain.  I hope this book brings you some relief and some comfort like it did for me.  You are not alone.

 ______________________________________________________________ 

The Miscarriage Map: What to Expect When You are No Longer Expecting by Dr. Sunita Osborn. (2019). 

Independently published.

Intended audience: 

- Anyone who has gone through a pregnancy loss

- Anyone who knows someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss (and doesn't know what to do, say, how to help, etc.)

https://www.drsunitaosborn.com/ 

SUMMARY, THOUGHTS, & REVIEW

A "summary" does not feel like an appropriate way to start this review, but I am not sure what else to say.  This book does not summarize what it is like to go through a pregnancy loss, but it does go through many aspects of pregnancy loss.  Therefore, I am just going to do one holistic review.

I read this book late at night while curled up under a blanket on my couch and cried almost the whole time.  It was not that this book made me feel sad, on the contrary, it made me feel relief.  It made me feel like I wasn't alone.  Finally, I was reading words from someone who was being brutally honest and was saying absolutely everything that I was feeling.  

 

"This is a huge, hideous, terrible, painful, traumatic, and life-changing event and we deserve all the space in the world to acknowledge that." (p. 7)

 

Osborn starts with her own story of her two pregnancy losses.  I will fully admit that while I read about her second loss, I kept wondering how she went on, how did she survive after two losses? I felt so heartbroken after my first one, how could anyone continue with life after a second loss?  Never did I think that I would be experiencing this as well.  

Osborn is a psychologist, so her voice and her message are much appreciated and come out of the pages like a warm hug - seriously.  I often felt like she was talking to me there on my couch, like she was holding my hand and giving me all the permissions I needed.  I drank every word that I read and I remembered them when I had my second loss.  You better believe that I practiced almost everything she had suggested.  Her words were so powerful when I read them that they stayed with me throughout the second loss.

 

"Nothing makes sense.  Nothing is okay. (...) Your only job this month is to survive by whatever ways necessary." (p. 36)

 

These words... how powerful they were.  The permission.  I needed that permission to just survive and do what I needed to just get by.  I needed that twice.

She knows the pain herself and so reading her words make it so much more authentic.  When she said to avoid making huge life decisions and confronted me on my diving head deep into other things to distract myself... yeah, I had to stop and realize what I was doing.  Was I avoiding the pain?  Was I trying to work through it?  Was I just trying to make sense of my life? 

I loved, absolutely loved, her chapter on finding the right support you need and her commentary on the honestly shitty things that people will say to you after a loss.  If you know someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss, you should buy this book and read at least that chapter.  Realize the words that you are saying.  See the person in front of you who is going through hell.  Don't try to make them feel better.  Don't say, "you can always try again."  As Osborn says, Fuck the silver linings.

 

"So, I'm pissed.  I'm angry and I'm full of rage that I don't get to have that blissfully happy and relatively easy first pregnancy.  I grieve for myself and for all of those women who do not get to have the unfettered joy we were promised.  If I get pregnant again, I will be excited, but so very cautious in my excitement, and I grieve for myself and for you, dear reader, that we will not have the unemcumbered joy we may have had before our miscarriages." (p. 81-82)

 

I realized that there was now a before and an after.  My life before my miscarriage and my life after.  I even have an in between - in between pregnancy 1 and pregnancy 2.  

It was the above quote that made me cry the most.  Suddenly it became so real: I will never have another first pregnancy.  The moment that I saw "YES +" pop up on that digital test... I will never experience joy like that again.  I will never have another moment that I get to look at my incredible partner and tell him "I'm pregnant" with so much joy and happiness in my heart that I feel like I will burst.  I realized that if I was going to be lucky enough to have a second pregnancy then that moment of waiting for a second line will never be as joyous as the first time because it will be shadowed with doubt and anxiety.  Now I am unsure of how I will feel for a third time.

Pregnancy does not equal baby.  This has been one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.  We lose so much when we lose our babies.  We lose so much when we go through this loss.  This book, however, gave me back so much.  It gave me back some power, some feeling of control, and some feeling of strength.  I can't thank Dr. Osborn enough for this book. 

I hope you never need to read it.

RATING

No questions about this.

5/5 stars  🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

5/5 hearts  💛💛💛💛💛

Extra ratings:

3 tears for sadness 💧💧💧

1 bicep for strength 💪

1 rainbow for hope 🌈    

1 fire... because I hope this book gives you back yours 🔥

Time heals. Sometimes.

Well.

I think it's pretty obvious that I have not kept up with my idea of reviewing books here.  I have kept up with my GoodReads account a bit better than here.  So why am I terrible at writing?  As much as I was a pretty intense little writer when I was younger and always loved writing and creating stories... as we get older, things get in the way.  Life gets in the way.  

About a year ago, my therapist suggested that I create a Vision Board.  I did.  I printed pictures of women writing in journals and typing on computers.  I printed pictures of music notes because I wanted to expand my music library and listen to more music - something that also used to be absolutely fundamental in my life, but over the last couple of years, it has become difficult to listen to, especially at times when I want to keep my mind occupied.  I have always had an emotional connection to music.  I printed pictures of women doing yoga because I wanted to start getting back into shape and wanted to feel physically strong again.  This was the one thing on the vision board that did come to fruition and has been a part of my life for the last year (except for a couple of times where I had needed to take a bit of a break... I'll get to that in a minute).

Writing can be hard.  It can be really difficult to do.  Like everything else in life, it is something that takes practice.  Writing in my journal is private and just for me.  Writing in a blog (even one that likely no one is even really reading) makes my writing accountable to someone else - and that's scary!  What I put out here stays out here.  Every word needs to be chosen carefully.

I lost my first pregnancy last summer, not long after my last review.  As intimate, as personal and as "private" of an experience as this is, it's so incredibly common.  I can't describe how alone I felt when I miscarried.  It was the most devastating, most heart-breaking, most difficult and most painful thing I have ever experienced.  What made it even worse was that I was going through this during the first few months of lockdown and so I couldn't be with any of my family (who I would need to get on a plane for several hours to be with).  It was an experience I would never wish on anyone.  

It took a few months until I started to finally feel like myself again - even though I was still far from being 100%.  I got pregnant again.  I was elated.  I felt complete.  And then at 10 weeks, a few days before Christmas, I found out that I had a blighted ovum - an egg that was fertilized but never started to develop into a baby even though my body went through all of the pregnancy symptoms.  My second deeply wanted pregnancy was over, just like that.

These scars do not heal and disappear, they stay there and they're always a part of you.  I hesitate to even call them scars.  Scars mean that you have healed over and are left with a reminder and really no more pain.  That is not my reality.  I live with grief every day.  Every single day.  Some days are good, some days are horrible.  

I will restart my blog, a new review, with the first book that helped me after my first loss.  I do not want to be silent.  I do not want to hide my story.  There are so many women out there who are grieving their babies and they are feeling alone, they are wondering how this happened to them, they are feeling emptiness and holes in their hearts, like they have been gutted, and they are feeling hopeless.  If you are reading this because you have gone through a pregnancy loss, I am so sorry.  You did not do anything to deserve this and you did not do anything wrong.  You're not alone.