Why Did I Read This Book?
I read this book because (as I stated in my previous post) I lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I read this book last summer, but am feeling ready to review it now.
If you are reading this book because you are or have also gone through a pregnancy loss, I am so sorry. You didn't do anything to make this happen, it is not your fault, and you do not deserve this loss and this pain. I hope this book brings you some relief and some comfort like it did for me. You are not alone.
______________________________________________________________
Independently published.
Intended audience:
- Anyone who has gone through a pregnancy loss
- Anyone who knows someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss (and doesn't know what to do, say, how to help, etc.)
https://www.drsunitaosborn.com/
SUMMARY, THOUGHTS, & REVIEW
A "summary" does not feel like an appropriate way to start this review, but I am not sure what else to say. This book does not summarize what it is like to go through a pregnancy loss, but it does go through many aspects of pregnancy loss. Therefore, I am just going to do one holistic review.
I read this book late at night while curled up under a blanket on my couch and cried almost the whole time. It was not that this book made me feel sad, on the contrary, it made me feel relief. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. Finally, I was reading words from someone who was being brutally honest and was saying absolutely everything that I was feeling.
"This is a huge, hideous, terrible, painful, traumatic, and life-changing event and we deserve all the space in the world to acknowledge that." (p. 7)
Osborn starts with her own story of her two pregnancy losses. I will fully admit that while I read about her second loss, I kept wondering how she went on, how did she survive after two losses? I felt so heartbroken after my first one, how could anyone continue with life after a second loss? Never did I think that I would be experiencing this as well.
Osborn is a psychologist, so her voice and her message are much appreciated and come out of the pages like a warm hug - seriously. I often felt like she was talking to me there on my couch, like she was holding my hand and giving me all the permissions I needed. I drank every word that I read and I remembered them when I had my second loss. You better believe that I practiced almost everything she had suggested. Her words were so powerful when I read them that they stayed with me throughout the second loss.
"Nothing makes sense. Nothing is okay. (...) Your only job this month is to survive by whatever ways necessary." (p. 36)
These words... how powerful they were. The permission. I needed that permission to just survive and do what I needed to just get by. I needed that twice.
She knows the pain herself and so reading her words make it so much more authentic. When she said to avoid making huge life decisions and confronted me on my diving head deep into other things to distract myself... yeah, I had to stop and realize what I was doing. Was I avoiding the pain? Was I trying to work through it? Was I just trying to make sense of my life?
I loved, absolutely loved, her chapter on finding the right support you need and her commentary on the honestly shitty things that people will say to you after a loss. If you know someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss, you should buy this book and read at least that chapter. Realize the words that you are saying. See the person in front of you who is going through hell. Don't try to make them feel better. Don't say, "you can always try again." As Osborn says, Fuck the silver linings.
"So, I'm pissed. I'm angry and I'm full of rage that I don't get to have that blissfully happy and relatively easy first pregnancy. I grieve for myself and for all of those women who do not get to have the unfettered joy we were promised. If I get pregnant again, I will be excited, but so very cautious in my excitement, and I grieve for myself and for you, dear reader, that we will not have the unemcumbered joy we may have had before our miscarriages." (p. 81-82)
I realized that there was now a before and an after. My life before my miscarriage and my life after. I even have an in between - in between pregnancy 1 and pregnancy 2.
It was the above quote that made me cry the most. Suddenly it became so real: I will never have another first pregnancy. The moment that I saw "YES +" pop up on that digital test... I will never experience joy like that again. I will never have another moment that I get to look at my incredible partner and tell him "I'm pregnant" with so much joy and happiness in my heart that I feel like I will burst. I realized that if I was going to be lucky enough to have a second pregnancy then that moment of waiting for a second line will never be as joyous as the first time because it will be shadowed with doubt and anxiety. Now I am unsure of how I will feel for a third time.
Pregnancy does not equal baby. This has been one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned. We lose so much when we lose our babies. We lose so much when we go through this loss. This book, however, gave me back so much. It gave me back some power, some feeling of control, and some feeling of strength. I can't thank Dr. Osborn enough for this book.
I hope you never need to read it.
RATING
No questions about this.
Extra ratings:
No comments:
Post a Comment