Maternal Instinct (by Rebecca Bowyer)

When we went on lockdown (almost one year ago...), I signed up with Voracious Readers Only.  I really enjoy getting the emails every day about new and different books.  When I first signed up there were sooooo many books that sounded so interesting!  When this one, Maternal Instinct, popped up in my email, I knew I wanted to read it.

I stated in an earlier post that part of the reason why I took such a long break from doing any reviews was because I had two pregnancy losses.  When I got an email from VRO with this book, I hadn't gotten pregnant yet.  I was terrified - I live with endometriosis and for the last 17 years I have not known if I would be able to get pregnant.  

The day after I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive), I started to read this book.  While I read it, I would put my hand over my belly where my baby was growing.  This book made a much bigger impact on me because of its topic and because I could so personally connect with it.

I miscarried four weeks later.

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 Maternal Instinct (by Rebecca Bowyer)

Published by Story Addict (2019).

Intended audience: young adult or adult (this is based on my opinion as a secondary teacher).  This book uses accessible language.

https://www.storyaddict.com.au/ 

https://www.goodreads.com/rebecca_bowyer

I received a complimentary copy of the book from the author via Voracious Readers Only.

 

SUMMARY

The story takes place in a future Australia under a new political regime that is, in its own twisted way, striving to create a type of "equal" society.  This is a feminist dystopia that centres around themes of motherhood, reproductive rights, and personal choice versus societal expectations.  All young women are expected and forced to carry two pregnancies over three years under the National Procreation Service.

In this society, their Mater and Pater system is superior to "how things used to be".  It's supposed to be better than the time when women were expected to cook, clean, work outside of the home, and raise children.  It's supposed to be better than when children were ignored, beaten, or killed in their own homes by their own parents.  It's a society that exercises complete control over a woman's right to have reproductive choice and agency over her body, and has normalized this control by highlighting how society has benefited because of this control.

The story follows Alice and her biological daughter, Monica, who has just given birth to her first son, Oscar.  As the story progresses, you witness the characters as they begin to question and resist society's rules and expectations, and as they begin to grow as individuals that are faced with huge challenges that conflict with society.  Finally, you listen to the characters as they come to terms with what it means to be a mother, what their definition is of being a mother, and how their relationship with motherhood transforms.

TEXT-TO-TEXT CONNECTION

Voracious Readers Only compared this book to The Handmaid's Tale, Vox, 1984, and Brave New World.  

The Handmaid's Tale is pretty much my absolute most favourite book, with The Testaments being a close second - however, I know that there are other books that I really love as well.  I have started Vox but haven't finished it yet.  I read 1984 and Brave New World about 15 years ago and while I remember the big ideas, I don't remember the details.

Yes, this book definitely has some links to The Handmaid's Tale - both books pivot around reproductive rights being taken away from women in society, become institutionalized and normalized, and then are a huge major stepping stone in maintaining that "successful" and "equal" or "balanced" society.  Really, women's bodies are being controlled and commodified.

Vox... while I haven't finished it, I can speak (ha... if you've read the book or know the premise of it, you might get the humour of what I just typed) to the link made with this book.  Vox is about a society where women are not allowed to speak more than 100 words per day and they wear a bracelet that counts their words.  If you speak more words, you get zapped.  The more you speak, the bigger the zap.

The links to 1984 and Brave New World, well... those are amongst the absolute classics and pillars of the dystopian genre.  I think that link is relatively self explanatory.  

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think this was a really well crafted story.  It's very clear that Bowyer really considered the world that she wanted to bring you into - her world-building was very well done.  I really enjoyed the story line, I loved the conflicts, I loved the character transformations, and I loved the twists that made the story even more complicated.  Her characters became three-dimensional and interesting and realistic because of the conflict that she threw their way.  I really enjoyed getting to know them.  I honestly would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in this topic, especially if they enjoyed The Handmaid's Tale and are looking for something else in this genre.  

As a teacher... I think it would be great book to bring into the classroom.  I think that it would really alert young adults to injustices and it would allow for some magical class discussions and personal transformations.  Additionally, I think this book would open the door for discussing fundamental rights, especially reproductive rights.

RATING

Here is where I get frustrated.  As I said above, I really enjoyed the book.  But I hated the ending.  I hated it.  It's probably the most realistic ending, but honestly, after I closed my Kobo upon finishing, I was just mad.  I didn't feel like it fit with the character.  I don't know how else I would have changed the ending, but it just didn't feel like this ending fit with the rest of the book.  For that very reason, I had to knock off one star from 4 stars to 3 stars.  (Why not five stars?  Because again, a 5-star for me is exceptional and I am left wanting more.

3/5 stars 🌟🌟🌟

4/5 hearts  💛💛💛💛

22 Scars (by C.M. North)

A goal of mine is to write more succinctly.  Ok.  So.  Here's where I take my first stab at it.

 

I heard about this book from Voracious Readers Only and was immediately drawn to it - the cover, the description, and even the books that were suggested as similar peaked my interest.  Oddly, I hadn't even read the books that were suggested as similar, however, as a high school teacher, I have an interest in mental health issues, particularly when talking about teenagers.

22 Scars by C.M. North (2017)

Published by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Intended audience: mature young adult or adult readers

https://cmnorthauthor.com/ 

C.M. North's GoodReads Page

This review is providing a trigger warning in response to the content of this book, which deals with self-harming behaviours, forms of abuse and assault, and suicide.

I received a complimentary copy of the book from the author via Voracious Readers Only.

SUMMARY

This book follows multiple characters and the relationships between them.  The main character, Amy, is a young teenage girl who is struggling with mental health issues and participates in self-harming behaviours.  Additionally, the book also follows some other unnamed characters and their journey together, known only by their pronouns. 

THOUGHTS & REVIEW

North's use of language is really beautiful.  It's not the most lyrical piece of literature I've ever read, but honestly, I was really impressed and drawn into the writing.  His use of descriptive language and relatively short but powerfully punctuated sentences make this book one that grabs you and immerses you.

The relationship between Amy and her father made me uncomfortable and I'm pretty sure that this was intentional.  Without those feelings of anger towards Amy's father, those feelings of intense frustration and anger and sickness make you feel for the characters - all of this going to show what a wonderful writer North is because he is able to bring that emotion out in you.  His characters aren't two-dimensional - they're real, they're tangible, and they're right there in front of you.

The book alternates between following two different stories.  Just as I was getting really into one of the stories, it would switch to follow another set of characters.  Each time, I learned more and more about the characters and kept wondering why they were being placed together side by side.  It made for an interesting and engaging read.  I looked for parallels and tried to find clues as to why North would place them together like this.

 
TEXT-TO-TEXT CONNECTION 

Voracious Readers Only suggested similar stories to this as 13 Reasons Why, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, All The Bright Places, and Girl, Interrupted.

Before I read 22 Scars, I read 13 Reasons Why because as a high school teacher, yes, I heard about the book after the Netflix series was released.  I read that 13 Reasons Why was being banned and forbidden to speak about in many high schools.  I read some reviews that said that it glorified suicide.  In my opinion?  Yes, it does.  (As a side note, I got increasingly disgusted with each subsequent season and then finally gave up after the first or second episode of the fourth season).

22 Scars is absolutely nothing like 13 Reasons Why, and in fact, that is insulting to 22 Scars.  While I did appreciate the voices in 13 Reasons Why, the only similarity between these two stories is the idea of mental health issues.  But 22 Scars goes so much deeper than 13 Reasons Why, which is more of a mysterious drama with little substance.  22 Scars makes you feel the characters' emotions.  There is a stark difference between these novels.

As for the other novels... well, I've seen the movie, Girl, Interrupted (pretty great acting done by Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie) and I have The Perks of Being a Wallflower on my bookshelf as part of my TBR pile.

FINAL THOUGHTS

You should buy this book.  Seriously, buy it, support the author, read it, and enjoy his beautiful writing.  This may be an uncomfortable read, and you may not like it because it's not a fun or easy or happy story, but it is the reality of so many people.  While you may have the option to not have to deal with something that makes you sad like this, know that not everyone has that same choice.  

We read to expand our horizons.  We read to learn.  We read to meet new characters, to interact with them, to learn from them, to go on a journey with them, and to see their perspective of their life's journey.  Well... that's why I read.  If that's why you read, you should get this book.

TEACHER THOUGHTS 

It would really depend on the age and group of my students, but I would not be against bringing this book into the classroom.  There is a lot here that you could definitely use in the classroom.  Some people would definitely say that this book wouldn't be appropriate for young adults, and it might not be, but it also is the reality of some students.  If it's inappropriate for them to read it, then it should be inappropriate for them to live it.  And if it is inappropriate for them to live it, then shouldn't you learn more about it so that you can help to get kids out of situations like that?

If you are a teacher, then you really should read this book.  Like, right now.

RATING

I really enjoyed this book, but it didn't have any extra wow for me, which knocks off one star.

I give it as many hearts as I can because North clearly put his heart into this story - it shows, and it definitely touched my heart.

4/5 stars  🌟🌟🌟🌟

5/5 hearts  💛💛💛💛💛

Extra ratings:

2 tears for sadness 💧💧

1 rainbow for hope 🌈   

 

The Miscarriage Map (Dr. Sunita Osborn)

Why Did I Read This Book?

I read this book because (as I stated in my previous post) I lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage at 8 weeks.  I read this book last summer, but am feeling ready to review it now.

If you are reading this book because you are or have also gone through a pregnancy loss, I am so sorry.  You didn't do anything to make this happen, it is not your fault, and you do not deserve this loss and this pain.  I hope this book brings you some relief and some comfort like it did for me.  You are not alone.

 ______________________________________________________________ 

The Miscarriage Map: What to Expect When You are No Longer Expecting by Dr. Sunita Osborn. (2019). 

Independently published.

Intended audience: 

- Anyone who has gone through a pregnancy loss

- Anyone who knows someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss (and doesn't know what to do, say, how to help, etc.)

https://www.drsunitaosborn.com/ 

SUMMARY, THOUGHTS, & REVIEW

A "summary" does not feel like an appropriate way to start this review, but I am not sure what else to say.  This book does not summarize what it is like to go through a pregnancy loss, but it does go through many aspects of pregnancy loss.  Therefore, I am just going to do one holistic review.

I read this book late at night while curled up under a blanket on my couch and cried almost the whole time.  It was not that this book made me feel sad, on the contrary, it made me feel relief.  It made me feel like I wasn't alone.  Finally, I was reading words from someone who was being brutally honest and was saying absolutely everything that I was feeling.  

 

"This is a huge, hideous, terrible, painful, traumatic, and life-changing event and we deserve all the space in the world to acknowledge that." (p. 7)

 

Osborn starts with her own story of her two pregnancy losses.  I will fully admit that while I read about her second loss, I kept wondering how she went on, how did she survive after two losses? I felt so heartbroken after my first one, how could anyone continue with life after a second loss?  Never did I think that I would be experiencing this as well.  

Osborn is a psychologist, so her voice and her message are much appreciated and come out of the pages like a warm hug - seriously.  I often felt like she was talking to me there on my couch, like she was holding my hand and giving me all the permissions I needed.  I drank every word that I read and I remembered them when I had my second loss.  You better believe that I practiced almost everything she had suggested.  Her words were so powerful when I read them that they stayed with me throughout the second loss.

 

"Nothing makes sense.  Nothing is okay. (...) Your only job this month is to survive by whatever ways necessary." (p. 36)

 

These words... how powerful they were.  The permission.  I needed that permission to just survive and do what I needed to just get by.  I needed that twice.

She knows the pain herself and so reading her words make it so much more authentic.  When she said to avoid making huge life decisions and confronted me on my diving head deep into other things to distract myself... yeah, I had to stop and realize what I was doing.  Was I avoiding the pain?  Was I trying to work through it?  Was I just trying to make sense of my life? 

I loved, absolutely loved, her chapter on finding the right support you need and her commentary on the honestly shitty things that people will say to you after a loss.  If you know someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss, you should buy this book and read at least that chapter.  Realize the words that you are saying.  See the person in front of you who is going through hell.  Don't try to make them feel better.  Don't say, "you can always try again."  As Osborn says, Fuck the silver linings.

 

"So, I'm pissed.  I'm angry and I'm full of rage that I don't get to have that blissfully happy and relatively easy first pregnancy.  I grieve for myself and for all of those women who do not get to have the unfettered joy we were promised.  If I get pregnant again, I will be excited, but so very cautious in my excitement, and I grieve for myself and for you, dear reader, that we will not have the unemcumbered joy we may have had before our miscarriages." (p. 81-82)

 

I realized that there was now a before and an after.  My life before my miscarriage and my life after.  I even have an in between - in between pregnancy 1 and pregnancy 2.  

It was the above quote that made me cry the most.  Suddenly it became so real: I will never have another first pregnancy.  The moment that I saw "YES +" pop up on that digital test... I will never experience joy like that again.  I will never have another moment that I get to look at my incredible partner and tell him "I'm pregnant" with so much joy and happiness in my heart that I feel like I will burst.  I realized that if I was going to be lucky enough to have a second pregnancy then that moment of waiting for a second line will never be as joyous as the first time because it will be shadowed with doubt and anxiety.  Now I am unsure of how I will feel for a third time.

Pregnancy does not equal baby.  This has been one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.  We lose so much when we lose our babies.  We lose so much when we go through this loss.  This book, however, gave me back so much.  It gave me back some power, some feeling of control, and some feeling of strength.  I can't thank Dr. Osborn enough for this book. 

I hope you never need to read it.

RATING

No questions about this.

5/5 stars  🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

5/5 hearts  💛💛💛💛💛

Extra ratings:

3 tears for sadness 💧💧💧

1 bicep for strength 💪

1 rainbow for hope 🌈    

1 fire... because I hope this book gives you back yours 🔥

Time heals. Sometimes.

Well.

I think it's pretty obvious that I have not kept up with my idea of reviewing books here.  I have kept up with my GoodReads account a bit better than here.  So why am I terrible at writing?  As much as I was a pretty intense little writer when I was younger and always loved writing and creating stories... as we get older, things get in the way.  Life gets in the way.  

About a year ago, my therapist suggested that I create a Vision Board.  I did.  I printed pictures of women writing in journals and typing on computers.  I printed pictures of music notes because I wanted to expand my music library and listen to more music - something that also used to be absolutely fundamental in my life, but over the last couple of years, it has become difficult to listen to, especially at times when I want to keep my mind occupied.  I have always had an emotional connection to music.  I printed pictures of women doing yoga because I wanted to start getting back into shape and wanted to feel physically strong again.  This was the one thing on the vision board that did come to fruition and has been a part of my life for the last year (except for a couple of times where I had needed to take a bit of a break... I'll get to that in a minute).

Writing can be hard.  It can be really difficult to do.  Like everything else in life, it is something that takes practice.  Writing in my journal is private and just for me.  Writing in a blog (even one that likely no one is even really reading) makes my writing accountable to someone else - and that's scary!  What I put out here stays out here.  Every word needs to be chosen carefully.

I lost my first pregnancy last summer, not long after my last review.  As intimate, as personal and as "private" of an experience as this is, it's so incredibly common.  I can't describe how alone I felt when I miscarried.  It was the most devastating, most heart-breaking, most difficult and most painful thing I have ever experienced.  What made it even worse was that I was going through this during the first few months of lockdown and so I couldn't be with any of my family (who I would need to get on a plane for several hours to be with).  It was an experience I would never wish on anyone.  

It took a few months until I started to finally feel like myself again - even though I was still far from being 100%.  I got pregnant again.  I was elated.  I felt complete.  And then at 10 weeks, a few days before Christmas, I found out that I had a blighted ovum - an egg that was fertilized but never started to develop into a baby even though my body went through all of the pregnancy symptoms.  My second deeply wanted pregnancy was over, just like that.

These scars do not heal and disappear, they stay there and they're always a part of you.  I hesitate to even call them scars.  Scars mean that you have healed over and are left with a reminder and really no more pain.  That is not my reality.  I live with grief every day.  Every single day.  Some days are good, some days are horrible.  

I will restart my blog, a new review, with the first book that helped me after my first loss.  I do not want to be silent.  I do not want to hide my story.  There are so many women out there who are grieving their babies and they are feeling alone, they are wondering how this happened to them, they are feeling emptiness and holes in their hearts, like they have been gutted, and they are feeling hopeless.  If you are reading this because you have gone through a pregnancy loss, I am so sorry.  You did not do anything to deserve this and you did not do anything wrong.  You're not alone.